Wow, where do I start with this one? I really had no intention of seeing this EVER but since my little brother rented it (i.e. paid), I figured why not? I mean, how bad could it really be?
(SPOILERS WITHIN)
Well, my original impressions were correct. It was, to put it bluntly, completely stupid. Kevin James (who I’ve never really liked, by the way) plays a lonely, overweight, hypoglycemic, full-time loser who patrols a popular mall during the day (because he couldn’t pass the police obstacle course seven times!) and cries to his mom and daughter about his sad life at night. I guess this was supposed to make me feel for the guy but it failed to do even that. It just made me groan watching one overused fat guy cliché after another. He uses food to comfort his sadness, he trips over nothing when he runs, and he keeps passing out because his blood sugar is too low. I wanted to slap him and say “GET IT TOGETHER, MAN!” It got to the point where I was laughing because I was uncomfortable, not because of hilariousness (Side note: I must admit I did laugh when he got a “tramp stamp” of the Loch Ness Monster after a night of heavy drinking. Best “tramp stamp” ever!). Nobody can be this pathetic, can they?
Anyway, the mall gets taken over by robbers trying to get $30 million dollars (WTF?) from the local bank and stores’ credit card receipts. Of course, it’s up to Blart to save them because apparently the town police and New Jersey State SWAT Team are even more inept than he is. Are we supposed to believe that motion detectors on the doors would really prevent them from entering the mall? Ugh. So naturally Blart, despite being the giant tool that he is, saves the mall, gets the girl and turns down a position on the police force, a job that he has been trying to get for the past 7 years, to continue protecting the mall. Fuck me.
Okay so maybe I’m being too hard on a movie that might be aimed at kids. But was it really? Sure kids would love the sight gags but would they be entertained by the love story subplot? Would they understand the robbery aspects like the credit card codes, a major plot point that drives most of the movie?
I guess I shouldn’t expect much from the director of such classics as Dr. Doolittle 2, Are We There Yet?, and Daddy Day Care. This is just one of those films like Date Movie, Epic Movie, and the Scary Movie series that reassures my belief that Hollywood is doomed and the real, worthwhile films are being made overseas.
Fuck you, Kevin James.
Rating: 2/10 (for the “tramp stamp” and the gorgeous love interest)
PAUL BLART: MALL COP
DIRECTOR: Steve Carr
WRITERS: Kevin James & Nick Bakay
CAST:
Kevin James ... Paul Blart
Keir O'Donnell ... Veck Sims
Jayma Mays ... Amy
Raini Rodriguez ... Maya Blart
Bobby Cannavale ... Commander Kent
Adam Ferrara ... Sergeant Howard
Jamal Mixon ... Leon
Mike Vallely ... Rudolph
